[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
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Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
adding to the discourse
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
i choose….tongue
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*