*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
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Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Breaking news:
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*