Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
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“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.