My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
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My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*