I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
You Might Also Like
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Try and stop me.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.