I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
You Might Also Like
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
I am also baked goods
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS