My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
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Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked