After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
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Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.