JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
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Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together