Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
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When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
hi why am I like this
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
How animals would run if they were human
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?