*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
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The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.