Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
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we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.