idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
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How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
This meal prepping shit is easy
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no