I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
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I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?