Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
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I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
My Guy
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye