I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
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“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
The Weeknd is back
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Oops
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.