Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
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Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it