nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
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[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Ghost costume 😂
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing