Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
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Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.