no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
You Might Also Like
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one