If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
You Might Also Like
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds