My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
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Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom