A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
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Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!