I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
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When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
A Short Story.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
A friend helps you before you need it
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet