I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
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just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report