if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
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oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
me 2 months after i graduated
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?