Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
You Might Also Like
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
I’m not wrong
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter