I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
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Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
No, YOUR illiterate.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
man: wait
time: no
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?