A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
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Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!