October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
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When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER