It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
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We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Important reminders
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
This is sending me to another galaxy
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon