This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
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I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!