Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
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Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Well, this explains it:
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont