Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
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You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.