My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
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why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
He a real one for that
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom