My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
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A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Anyone really
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help