♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
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Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
real
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later: