4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
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Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Thursday Thought.