I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
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[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
I know this now 😂
Oh the world we live in…
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.