Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
You Might Also Like
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes