[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
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[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.