This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
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I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.