[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
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Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
smh
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.