Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
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No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Holy shit he’s back
50 shades of grey = my Liver
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers