Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
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eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
A double negative is a big no-no.
WHY would you be happy about this?
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths