Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
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ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.