My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
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[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*