*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
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Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.