me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
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I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Oh hi lol
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..