Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
You Might Also Like
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.